But all that happened was that you got sick, why was it hard for you?
Good question and here’s the answer; getting sick took a lot out of me. It broke my spirit in a lot of ways. It made me want to go home. It made me want my mom. It made me angry at Haiti. It made me angry in general. Anger...
It made me face one question in a very real way, “Do I want to be here?” Well I’m happy to say that the answer to that question is yes. It was tough to realize it and it took a new friend and an old friend to make me realize this. The new friend, Joyce is a Canadian volunteer.
After I recovered she (Joyce) was the only person I could talk to because Monica was still sick (she got way worse than I did.) When we were hanging out I’d complain about the states, Haiti, and life in general. One day she said something that snapped me out of my mental funk. “Eric, you are disillusioned!”
Yes, I was. Disillusioned: to be free from or deprived of illusion, belief, idealism, etc.
Haiti has made me see the world for what it is. Earth is a rough place where privilege is handed out as a birthright. If you don’t have it forget about things like: medicine, McDonalds, welfare, and the American Passport (which allows you to actually leave Haiti).
Doctors suck in Haiti. They don’t know what’s wrong and they like to prescribe stuff just to make you feel better. Doctors here are politicians who try to lobby for their patients by making them “happy” not better. I hate that.
I don’t know why I threw that in there, it’s probably cuz these past few weeks have been such a brain twister. I’m finally starting to unravel the mess. I just found out that Monica is going home. She leaves on Tuesday (today is Tuesday I meant to post this blog a few days ago). I’m really sad about this but also happy that she is going to see and actual doctor.
Joyce (the Canadian volunteer) is leaving the first week of November. Biffy (who is still here) is an 8 hour drive away. The work that I was making progress on (making a Database to help track proposal work) is now pretty useless, and I’m thinking about asking to be sent to Cap Haitian.
I do love the people in Port Au Prince (PAP), but my heart truly is with Cap Haitian. I love the driver. I love the Choir even though they asked me for a Laptop. I love the Nuns. I love the kids yelling, “Ewik, Ewik, Ewik ‘Look’” Hehe. Little buggers. Yet I don’t know that I can leave Port Au Prince.
One thing Cap doesn’t have is the same level of need. Cap did not suffer from the Earthquake like PAP did. For some reason I feel like they don’t NEED me as much. They still have need, the need preearthquake Haiti. Today PAP has desperation. I’ll write you more about the tent cities later but for now suffice to say it’s there.
So I’m lost. I don’t exactly know where I am needed. But I keep going because of my lessons with T-Jack. My work with the database, which I’m not sure is needed any more. Along with some prayer, which is new for me.
Another digression. I’m coming home for Thanksgiving. I’ll be coming back to Haiti but I need a little break and I don’t want to be in PAP for the Nov 28th elections. I think it’d be a really bad idea.
So now that I know I want to be here I know that I’ll come back. When I first came to Haiti I did it for all the wrong reasons: Monica is here, I told everyone so I needed to “prove” myself, the people of Haiti NEED me, and I can do engineering.
When I come back to Haiti again it will be for one reason: I WANT TO BE IN HAITI.
Wow that feels really good to say. Alright I’m going to end this blog here. I’ll probably have another few blogs written over the next few days so keep an eye out. Below is a picture of the four volunteers and Sr. Mary Angela for Monica's 22nd Birthday! Monica on the left, Biffy is standing next to me, and Joyce is sitting in front of me.
Hey Eric,
ReplyDeleteI've told you already, but recognizing, naming a problem is a significant step in solving it. Seems to me you're well on your way. Cheers to that!
Eric,
ReplyDeleteSounds like you've learned a lot. I feel kind of proud of you right now brother. When we get disillusioned it's hard to figure out why we should bother continuing, caring, fighting. It's hard to not become so jaded that we can't see the value that is there. But the truth is that when we loose ourselves, not to the world but to Christ, He will use our weakness and insufficiencies to do that great good that we now believe is impossible. When we have no expectations of ourselves, we are much more realistic ;) So we don't give up, we don't stop loving, caring or trying because it doesn't seem to make a difference and the world is so broken. In the space that our illusions once took up, we put only the love of Christ, that never ends, that never gives up, that never lets go no matter how lost the cause. And I myself find that in this process, the only thing that I still believe with all my heart is that love conquers all. Christ will win, love will win. The battle is hard and it will take our whole lives in the fighting, but there is no other cause more worthy than giving ourselves away for others. And that is the definition of love.
So basically what I wanted to say when I began this comment, is congratulations for being on this journey of losing yourself and finding Christ in your place. It's fun ;) And harder that drinking a gallon of milk in a minute. But most of all it is the most worthwhile thing you will ever do. I sure hope I didn't get too preachy but I believe in you and I know that there are great things to come from you Mr. Large. If I'm still in the area when you get back to the states we should meet up and swap mission stories. God Bless
I think that you've figured out two of the biggest obsticles that I (and many others who have lived abroad) also had to overcome: a truth about the world outside of the US and a truth about yourself. Truth is good, but dealing with it is difficult. Just keep going forward.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you're coming to DC during your time back or just Washington, but either way, I think I'll be in Ghana. We'll have to make sure to cross paths when both of us are in the states again.